101 Ways to Cope with Losing Elderly Parents #17~ To Thine Own Self be True

November 15 was always a very significant day in my parent’s lives as they got married on November 15, 1948.

They both lived to see their 60th anniversary in 2008 and this is now the fourth since Father died. While there were never any major parties or the like, they always marked their Anniversary by exchanging presents and by going on some sort of outing ~ maybe lunch out or a picnic by the sea if the weather was fine.

I’ve struggled with November 15th since Mother died in 2oo9. It’s a date that’s etched in my life calendar because of the ‘ceremony’ that always surrounded it and  the recalling of memories of that day that they tied the knot.

I wrote about possible plans for the day last year but in the end I didn’t do much more than write ~ I simply wasn’t able. I just wasn’t emotionally ready.

This year I felt different and I spent some lovely time today in celebrating a marriage that was fundamentally important to giving me life itself.

I was rather surprised to find that November 15th in 1948 fell on a Monday. I don’t know if Monday weddings were more common back then than they are now. I don’t know of any other couple who got married on a Monday!

Annestown Beach, Co. Waterford

So, I made my way to Annestown Beach this morning; had the obligatory cup of coffee, a paddle and carved a little memorial in the sand.  It all felt so right and the gorse was in full bloom out around there ~ when the gorse is out of bloom, kissing’s out of season. 

Gorse at Annestown, Co. Waterford

Today seemed just the right day to buy my snowdrop and hyacinth bulbs ~ always such symbols of hope and inextricably linked to this time of year, especially for Mother.

On the way home, I decided to call into The Majestic Hotel here in Tramore. That’s where Mother and Father had their wedding reception. The hotel has been rebuilt since those days as you can see from the following photos:

The Majestic Hotel
Source: Waterford Co. Museum

Even though the buildings are different, I half expected to see the wedding party arrive into the hotel as I was sitting there sipping my latte.

Tramore Beach that was so special to both Mother and Father and where we shared so, so many precious hours, days and moments was my last stop.

There is was, just as it was back in November 1948, being watched over by the Metal Man and whispering its everlasting words of love.

Tramore Beach, Co. Waterford

In conclusion, I would say from my experience, that the grieving process is very different for each individual and for each death in an individual’s life. Perhaps a good rule of thumb is only to do things when they feel right ~ not when you or someone else thinks the time should be right. 

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

(William Shakespeare ~ Hamlet Act 1)

 

 

 

 

 

101 Ways to Cope with Losing Elderly Parents #16 ~ Flowers

Sunflowers on the Tramore-Annestown Road, Co. Waterford

Flowers can be highly symbolic both during life and as a comfort after the passing of a loved one.

I totally associate sunflowers with my late father. He introduced me to Van Gogh’s great paintings of these bright, cheerful flowers and he loved to take photographs of them.

I bought him a huge big bunch for what I knew would be his last birthday in June 2010 and later that Summer brought him photographs of some beauties which people grow by their gate way on the road which he loved between Tramore and Annestown.

I’ve been keeping a close eye on the progress of those sunflowers over the last few weeks and headed out there this morning in the mist to see if they were in full bloom.

The whole experience gave me such a strong sense of connection to Dad and I can only smile as I write this and think of the delight in his eyes when he saw me arriving with the bunch that day on his birthday.

It’s well worth finding out your parent’s preferences about  flowers ~ if you don’t already know them ~ and weaving them into your relationship with them.  They can have such a calming effect and it’s always great to know that the flowers will continue to bloom year after year and appear in all sorts of different places, such as poetry and art.

Sunflowers
Vincent Van Gogh
Source: Wikimedia

 

 

 

 

 

101 Ways to Cope with Losing Elderly Parents # 7

It is pretty much inevitable that frail elderly parents will have at least one medical emergency that requires hospitalisation and it is a very good idea to be well prepared for this in advance.

Take a quiet moment to make a list of  key information that is going to be required when an emergency arises and  be aware that that stuff you think you could never, ever forget has a tendency to go absolutely blank in an emergency situation.

So here’s my basic template for the Emergency List:

1. Telephone Number/s of the Emergency Services ~ especially the Ambulance

2. Your parent’s full name and date of birth

3. Your parent’s next of kin

2. The telephone number at which your parent resides

3. Your mobile phone number

4. Directions to your parent’s residence

5. A brief outline of your parent’s medical condition/s

6. A list of CURRENT medications and dosages

7. A note of any known allergies to medications 

8. Details of Medical Insurance or other cover

9. Name, address and telephone number of your parent’s family doctor

10. Telephone numbers of other family members

Please note that making such a list does not bring on an emergency but it will certainly be immensely helpful if and when one arises.

Finally, make sure that the Emergency List stored in a place where you or others likely to be on the scene are sure to remember!

101 Ways to Cope with Losing Elderly Parents # 5

I think that the seeds for coping with the loss of elderly parents are sown way back before frailty or death occur and this generally happens in a subconscious way.  For me, one of the many things that softens the sadness is seeing the blossoming of shrubs and flowers that I planted with my parents in happy times.

A typical example of this is the camellia which is currently in full bloom in my back garden and which Father and I planted together after a trip to our local garden centre and a drive round by Dunmore East where we stopped off for coffee and a chat.

Seeing the camellia now brings me back to a time when Father was in the great health and is completely dissociated with any of the more difficult memories of his declining years.

So seize all the opportunities you can when your parents are well to plant these memories and, if that time has passed, identify a few things or thoughts that relate to those earlier times as they can be very sustaining when pangs of sadness strike.

I’d love to hear what items or thoughts are ‘special’ for YOU in this context.